I lost my voice before. I lost it in my previous marriage. At that point, I no longer had my own identity and I really began second guessing my own ideas and thoughts.
How did that happen? What led me to that point?
In the beginning of our relationship, I could be myself. I could be silly. I could laugh. These were all qualities that he loved about me, at the beginning. Slowly, my voice in the relationship started getting belittled. What I felt was the right thing to do, was wrong in their eyes. As I did something around the house, they would come by and correct me. Not help me, but correct me, as if I had forgotten how to vacuum the carpet.
Little by little I began to let my own spirit die. Those qualities that I counted important in myself were slowly becoming less and less rare until one day when I finally looked in the mirror, I could no longer see that beautiful girl. That girl that used to dream BIG dreams. She used to be so witty and fun. Always longed to make others laugh and encouraged them as best as she could. Was gone.
What I learned from that experience is that my ex did not really love me. I was his possession. I was not his partner in life.
And the more that “the old me” came out, the more he felt threatened. Slowly, he began controlling me more and more until he suffocated her out of me.
Then, thank GOD, I realized that I was living in fear. Fear was controlling my whole life.
I could no longer say anything, do anything, or go anywhere because of fear of what would happen.
A husband and wife should be able to discuss anything between the two of them. There should have been an openness there that is not shared with anyone else. Instead, the list of the things that we COULD NOT talk about got longer and longer. Leaving ultimately, nothing to talk about.
I share this because we are not to live in fear. God is LOVE, the opposite of FEAR! I am God’s daughter, just as you are. As a mother myself, I would do anything for my daughter. If I could keep her from ever crying or ever being sad, I would. That is how God feels about us, but a million times stronger.
Today, I know that (the above) was not God’s best for me. God didn’t want to see me hurt. God didn’t want to see me cry. He didn’t want me to stop dreaming. He didn’t want me to stop praying because I didn’t think my prayers were being heard. Little did I know at the time that GOD was going to use me for big things. He would turn that nightmare into a testimony to help others.
The devil “tried” to take me out… but I am still HERE! No one and nothing will stop me from sharing what God has told me to do.
My voice is BACK! And not going anywhere this time!
If you have ever felt like you have lost your own voice or are going through something similar. Let me pray for you. If I could go back and change one thing that I did, I would have shared with someone what I was going through. I didn’t. I didn’t tell a soul because I thought they would judge me and not understand what I was going through. BUT I should have. I should have because I needed it. I needed someone to pray with me. To hook their faith with mine. Because when two or more pray together…. GOOD THINGS HAPPEN!
God loves you! More than you will EVER know! He has not forgotten about you. He knows what you have need of. He knows what your heart secretly desires.